But the human mind has an amazing ability to not see things and to be able to lie to itself.
Maybe some of the following will resonate with you.
I had no idea that I was suppressing my emotions all of the time. I had not felt any strong emotions – either positive or negative – for as long as I could remember. If my emotional landscape had had a colour it would have been a uniform light grey. Yes, I would occasionally get stressed or be happy for a short time based on things happening to me, but otherwise, I was basically surviving rather than living. I had no dreams, literally or metaphorically.
I was stuck in a repeating pattern at work. I would start a new job and for a while I would generally enjoy it, learning new things, delivering on projects, and so on. But inevitably I would always start getting frustrated: at the office politics, the dogmatic approaches, what I saw as incompetent management, etc. Eventually, I would find a new, similar job in the same industry and the cycle would begin anew.
Despite thinking that I was eating pretty well, and exercising regularly, I was slowly putting on weight. At 1.80m (5’11”) and 85kg (187lbs) at my heaviest, I was significantly overweight. There wasn’t in fact much that I wouldn’t eat, and I never thought about overall calorie intake, macronutrient ratios, portion sizes, or more than the most basic supplementation. I was drinking alcohol almost on a daily basis.
Beyond the food and alcohol, as a coping mechanism for my growing unhappiness (which I did not allow myself to acknowledge), I spent more and more of my time focusing on my work, and then on trying to escape reality at home, for example by playing video games. I disengaged from my wife and my children, and from myself.
Worst of all, I felt trapped. I knew deep inside that I wasn’t happy, but I couldn’t see a way out. I had what felt like crushing responsibilities. I had to keep earning the money to pay the bills. I had only ever worked in one industry in my career, so I felt I couldn’t start again after 20 years. So, I resigned myself to this being how things had to be, for the rest of my life.